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3 Gaping Plotholes in How I Met Your Mother

Since I have watched the series from start to whatever is currently airing about a - to quote Robin - “floppity-jillion” times (in reality, probably somewhere close to 15 times), I have started to pick up on little continuity errors throughout the series. Here are three examples that I think are significant enough to actually bother me, as they affect character personalities.

1. The not-so first time Marshall saw Lily pee

In the episode entitled “Zip, Zip, Zip” (Season 1, Episode 14), there is quite the dramatic, relationship-defining moment between Marshall and Lily as they get trapped in the bathroom and realize they have no more ‘firsts’. Since Ted and Victoria are taking forever to go to the bedroom and Lily has to pee, Marshall and Lily must face something they have been dreading for a long time – the first time Marshall sees his fiancée go to the washroom. The situation is finally dealt with when they realize that even though this wasn’t something they wanted to do, it was a ‘first’ and they are happy.

What this episode misses entirely is that in the episode entitled “The Slutty Pumpkin”, Marshall and Lily dress up like a pirate and a parrot to win a costume contest at the bar. Right after they come out to show Ted their costumes, Lily announces she has to pee. When Marshall starts to follow her, Ted asks where he’s going. Marshall looks a bit uncomfortable and says, “It’s an elaborate costume”. This would obviously imply that the parrot costume is so big and fluffy that it needs a second pair of hands to hold it up while peeing.

Therefore, Marshall saw Lily pee before the huge ordeal they make out of it in the later episode.

2. Lily’s not-so huge estrangement from her father

In the episode entitled “Slapsgiving 2: Revenge of the Slap” (Season 5, Episode 9), the main drama and character development is the father that Lily has apparently not spoken to in three years comes back on Thanksgiving to try and reconnect with his daughter. There is a very emotional moment when we find out that Marshall went to talk to Mickey only to find out the poor man was heartbroken – Lily never returned his calls, and despite the fact that he wrote a speech for the wedding, the invitation never came because Lily was still so mad at him.

However, in the episode entitled “Something borrowed” (Season 2, Episode 21), we find out that during the planning of the wedding nothing has been going right. There is a brief montage of Lily walking into the room announcing various changes (“It’s not going to be an outdoor wedding anymore, because Marshall’s father thinks if we have an outdoor wedding in New York he’ll get mugged”). One of the changes is “You know how we were going to have an acoustic guitar? Well now we’re having a harp player. My dad owes someone a favor and his daughter plays the harp”. This implies that Lily had contact with her father during the planning stages of the wedding.

Therefore, one of Lily’s defining moments as a character was a totally huge hole in the plot.

3. Marshall’s not so bad at fighting anymore

In the episode entitled “Sweet taste of Liberty” (Season 1, Episode 3), we see Lily have a girl’s night out with Robin while Marshall studies for law school. Lily quickly finds out that all the available men in the bar are hitting on Robin, so she calls Marshall, who assures her that the only reason all the guys aren’t up in her business is because of her engagement ring. After removing the ring, Lily believes she has finally gotten a guy’s attention… only to discover that he is gay, and was walking over to tell her that she sat on a grape. After almost driving to Philadelphia, Marshall gets so worried about his advice to Lily about taking her ring off that he arrives at the bar and finds the aforementioned gay man wiping the grape juice off Lily’s butt. He threatens to fight the man, but as soon as Lily shouts out, “He’s gay!” Marshall hugs the man and whispers, “Oh thank God – I’ve never been in a fight before!”

Apparently all this is forgotten in the episode entitled “The Fight” (Season 4, Episode 10), where the bartender Doug gets the men in the group involved in a fight after kicking some other guys out of their favorite booth. Marshall decides not to fight, though he claims he fought often with his brothers (which is mocked severely by other members of the group). It is finally revealed at the end of the episode that Marshall’s fights with his brothers were like Fight Club – with all the blood and bone-breaking intact.

So convenient, how they forget these things.

Ode to the Canada Post strike

So yesterday I realized I had heard shockingly little about the strike. I mean, I heard when it started, and I drive past the picketers every day, but… no real news of any kind. It was then I decided to check the paper - page by page - to see when the first sign of an article about the postal strike was. The answer? Page 15. That’s right, there is a whole list of the things we consider more important than giving the postal union (read: the union, not the workers, as I do understand that there are some workers who would rather not strike) any attention. And then I was inspired to write a song about it! To the tune of “My favorite things” from The Sound of Music, I give you: “Things more important than you” (the “you” being the postal union).

The ongoing debate of prostitution laws,

Hockey fans riot and we discuss the cause,

A two page spread-out of the Lansdowne Park blues -

These are the things more important than you…

A lady who broke her pelvis in a bike crash,

The NDP argues of where to stick their cash,

Not simply one full-page car sales ad but two -

These are the things more important than you…

What happened this week in Canadian hist’ry,

The awaited papers from Afghan detainees,

The CRTC restricts what can go through -

These are the things more important than you…

Cracking down on graffiti in our city,

Someone who may have drowned and how it’s a pity,

The ‘Do it for Dad’ walk, and oh yes, it’s true -

All of these things - more important than you!

Facebook hackers, letters to the editor,

Stop airstrikes overseas,

And how we’re going to cut our spending in two -

Look, nobody cares about you!

Faking conversations

Ever have those times where someone is talking about something that you just don’t care about? Or when they’re talking about something that you already know about but just won’t shut up?

Unfortunately, we’re all too often trapped by the “smile-and-nod” technique, which may work for a while… though it ultimately will lead to your doom, and here’s why. After too many “uh-huh”s and “yeah”s, people start to wonder if you’re actually listening. And then you get the dreaded statement:

“Repeat back what I just said.”

So my dears, I am here to educate you on how to completely fake a conversation without actually listening to anything.

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Step #1: Listen for logical stopping points

The first trick to faking conversation is that you don’t ACTUALLY have to reply to every statement they make. Usually you’ll be wanting to use these techniques on people who just LOVE to listen to themselves talk anyway, and they can go on for potentially minutes without you even being able to get a word in edgewise. All you have to listen for is what sounds like a summary (this may take two or three sayings with people who like to repeat themselves). For the rest, you can zone out, check your Facebook, whatever.

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Step #2: Listen to the last 5 words they said

Remember in grade school, when they used to make you read out loud out of textbooks, and they’d just go up and down the rows making each kid read a paragraph? If you were anything like me, you’d spend all the time doodling and not listening at all, and then when it was like two kids before your turn, you’d find where they were reading from and tune in then. This step kind of follows along those lines. If you listen to the last few words before the logical stopping point, you should be able to get a very small gist of what they’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes.

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Step #3: Make a vague-but-concrete-sounding statement

Sounds confusing, right? It’s really not. This step will be easier if you are actually familiar with the subject your conversation-er is talking about. Since this step is actually explained easier by example, allow me to provide you with a sample from a conversation with my roommate that I had a few nights ago. She was talking about a guy we had both dated, but I wasn’t really interested. This is when I tuned in:

“…but I wasn’t really surprised when he did that.”

My reply: “Yeah, that does sound exactly like something [NAME] would do. You get used to it after a while though.”

In truth, I had NO IDEA what the hell she was referencing. But see how I complimented what she was talking about? It makes it sound like I was listening, but in fact was incredibly vague. People DO get used to other people’s annoying behaviors, so that made sense. In fact, she even laughed and said that she HAD gotten used to it once they started living together. How freaking good am I?! Those are the kinds of statements to make when faking conversation.

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Step #4: Rinse and repeat as needed.

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CONGRATULATIONS!! You just learned how to fake a conversation.

Rant #2: Excuses

Wow, I was really hoping I wouldn’t get to the point of all my posts being rants, and yet here I am, post #3 and already having multiple rants. Ah well, I guess some days are worse than others.

Okay, so, here’s my beef today: people who bail on you with fucking stupid excuses. There are a few things that I consider to be truly valid excuses, and everything else is just complete bullcrap and people know it.

Please imagine the following excuses in the context of being invited to a party.

Excuse A: “I have to study.”

Actual situations where this is a valid excuse: your exam or paper due is TOMORROW.

Invalid when: it’s just arbitrary other schoolwork. For example, say you’re writing a paper that is due next week. My party runs from what? 8:00 onward? Who says you have to stay the whole time? Face it, from 8:00 to around midnight or so, you KNOW you will not be studying. You will maybe have a late dinner, then take an after dinning break browsing the internet or watching TV. Then you will go to sleep. And even if you were writing, you’re probably not going to be producing great writing at that time of night. Probably worked/had class all day and now your brain is fried. And dude, tomorrow is Saturday or Sunday! You have time to recover. So don’t give me that.

Excuse B: “I’m poor and don’t have enough money.”

Actual situations where this is a valid excuse: well, this is kind of a trick one.

You see, when it comes to MY friends, if they try to pull this on me, I tell them that I will pay for their ticket/buy them a drink/whatever, just to get them to come out. To me, seeing my friends and having a good time is more important than a bit of money. I mean of course you need to buy food and pay rent and bills - I’m not saying people should be flippant with their money. All I’m saying is, people will usually pitch to help you out when you’re strapped for cash. Such is the bro-code. Why just decide that you’re poor? Have you checked your bank account recently? Pulled up your couch cushions? Like seriously, it’s not that hard to have a good time without spending tons of cash. Or even better, we may suggest something that doesn’t even cost money at all.

Excuse C: (usually used after no-showing) “Oh, /such-and-such event/ came up and so I couldn’t go.”

Actual situations where this is a valid excuse: death, alien abduction, and the like.

This response is bullshit in that it is completely selfish. Basically you’re saying that you can’t take a few hours out of your busy life to spend time with me. Really? You can’t make some time to drop by, have a beer and chill for a few? Honestly, it makes me so mad when people no-show, especially because it takes two minutes to call or text. This is basically slapping someone in the face and telling them that you’re not important enough for their time. You may as well stop being my friend if you pull this one.

The list goes on. I know I’m being angsty, but I’m in a pissy mood and we all know what they say: if you don’t like something, complain about it on the internet.